Monday, February 1, 2021

Deep Thinker

My youngest child Justin is a goofball. At 11, he lives to make others laugh and loves to laugh himself. He has tons of buddies, plays lots of sports, and he loves school. 

Bedtime can bring out a different side of Justin. Every few months, Justin will trot down the stairs and come to me in the living room. Tonight was one of those nights. 

He usually wears a sheepish but tearful grin, along with his sleep shirt and shorts, a reminder that he's still a little boy. 

"Mom, I'm having those scary thoughts again," he says. Before you start to imagine monsters under the bed, or ghosts in the closet, let me capture a bit of the conversation.

"I was thinking about being immortal and how that wouldn't be great, but then I was thinking that if we go to heaven when we die, then we're there for forever, and doesn't that get boring?" 

Cue the tears. This joyful, silly jokester has BIG thoughts. Thoughts that take my own breath away, and frankly, are thoughts that keep adults up at night too. 

We talk about faith, and how heaven is probably great because you're so happy. 

"Yeah, but you don't know that, do you? Because nobody really knows. Like, we've never talked to someone who died." 

True. 

"Also Mom, if the universe is a loop, what's outside the loop?" He looks at me with big eyes, hoping for assurance. 

As I consider how to answer, he jumps in with, "Okay, but also, Mom, you know how people say the universe goes on forever? How does anyone know that if it hasn't all been explored?" 

"Umm, bud, these are big thoughts. These are things philosophers talk about. Why don't you think about baseball instead?" A philosopher, I am not. 

Listen, don't even get Justin going about black holes. I'm not sure there's anything more terrifying to him than the concept of a black hole. He knows just enough to be scared (which is more than I know). 

So I let him talk a bit, then reassure him that he's safe and loved. I distract him with thinking about baseball or vacation or the dog. I rub his back a bit and kiss his forehead (the only part of his face I'm allowed to kiss anymore). 

And then as I go to bed, I try not to think about black holes and heaven and the universe. Because Justin is right. That shit is scary! 




5 comments:

  1. My first thought is "Annie Hall" and my second is of my own 10 year old and his articulated musings on the world we inhabit. I love the details and his voice, which you captured in this so nicely.

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  2. Gosh - this reminds me so much of Libby when she was younger! It used to pain me that she would have such big thoughts (especially when I was super tired and just wanted her to go to sleep!) I love the juxtaposition of his thoughts vs. yours: "Why don't you just think about basketball instead?" Ha. And the last line - classic Angela vocie! Laughed out loud. Bravo on post #1!

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    Replies
    1. Shoot - this is Holly! I was in the wrong Google account.

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    2. I knew it was you!! Thanks for reading friend.

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  3. What a special moment to capture! He's lucky to have you as his mom ❤️

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